Do I Really Believe My Passion?

It's raining here in Atlanta today. We were supposed to get some pretty severe storms (nothing like the tornado from weeks ago), but it's turning out to be a drizzly, dreary day. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely thankful for the rain, but it has gotten me to think about life in a slightly different tone as I stare out my window.

Those of you that know the circumstances I have endured the past few months know that it has not been an easy time. I don't wish similar times on anyone. However, even over this most recent trial, I had held fast to what I truly believe my passion to be: Helping People Find Their Way. I've never really thought about whether it would ever come back to me (you know, kind of a "pay it forward" type of philosophy), but I'd be lying if I said that I haven't been disappointed that I haven't seen much come back from my relationships.

Now I am taking a HUGE leap here in saying this in my blog, and even as I type this I am whispering to myself, "what are you thinking!?!?". But, part of this blog is for me to share who I am and my thoughts hoping that it might encourage those around me.

See, I spend a LOT of my time building into people's lives. Whether it's family, clients, friendships, etc., I get most satisfaction out of helping people. Helping them find a job. Helping them navigate a family crisis. Helping them find a solution to their problem. Sometimes helping them help themselves. But as I reflect back over the years at the people who have had the same level of reciprocity to me, I'd have to say it's been hard for me to find.

And it depresses me.

Not because I feel like I deserve anything, but because in my times of suffering and anguish, I have tended to feel alone. Almost not cared for. At least in not the same way I have cared for others.

So I've began to wonder today - is it really worth it? Should I really do whatever I can to make others successful, when I know I haven't seen much coming back to me? Should I still believe in my faith that it's not about this world and it truly is about serving others, or should I take the road that I perceive most others take, which is to take care of number one first?

Well, on this rainy, dreary day, with a depressing set of circumstances looming over me, I must say that I am not sure.

And you don't know how much that scares me.