Hmm...seems very harsh, doesn't it. But the more that I think about it and do some studying on the subject, I can say with fair certainty that the normal course of any relationship, but particularly marriage in this case, is termination, or divorce.
And why is that?
Well, there's this little thing called "human nature" that is highly selfish at its core. All the way from birth we are selfish creatures. If we don't get what we want when we want it, we cry. It's only until we get what we want, regardless of whether it's convenient for anyone else, that we stop crying. Until the next episode, that is.
This behavior continues throughout our lives and our many relationships. As we look to find acceptance and happiness, we're also out looking to find status and power. And stuff. And conquests. And...yes, love. But what is love (sooo many 80s songs are running through my head right now; I won't bore you with them)? In fact (OK, I'm gonna pull one song out), Tina Turner quipped in the chorus of one of her songs... "what's love, but a second hand emotion". If that is the basis for relationships (which I sense is probably the case more often than anyone would want to admit), it's no wonder that most marriages have their ups and downs - after all, the basis of the marriage is supposed to be love, which is a second-hand emotion?
Frankly, it's kind of amazing that anyone stays married, since our natural inclination is to destroy such a relationship as part of a self-preservation effort. Anytime we might think that our personal objectives are at risk, we can choose many different defense mechanisms - fighting, yelling, cheating, lying, drinking, nagging, fleeing. Again, all very natural responses. Not always the most productive, but natural nonetheless.
So what makes marriages endure when it seems like all the chips are stacked against the entire institution?
One little thing. Intention.
See, for those things we really value (and not just lust after), we're willing to intentionally alter our natural responses for the full pursuit of the satisfaction that comes from a healthy relationship. Our intentions begin early in the relationship, whether it's simple things like calling when we're late, opening the car door for the other, talking to each other, etc. Those are all somewhat unnatural things. We have to be at least somewhat vulnerable to do all those things, and so overcoming our natural inclination takes intention. But we're happy to do it. It's all part of the pursuit. Sure, we'll die to a few of our natural responses. We'll sacrifice some of our fears and objections, for the promise of love, right? And if that person ends up being "the one", we're willing to even up the ante a bit and (gulp) share our home and lives and stuff and space and finances and everything else together.
Ahhh...someone cue some Louis Armstrong...
What happens over time, though, is that we get tired of intention. We get tired of the same routine of overlooking things and being considerate and putting the other person's needs ahead of our own. We'd much rather go on auto-pilot and go back to self-preservation mode.
"Of course I'm right, and I'm going to make sure he knows it."
"Sure I can stay out late...the wife won't mind. I can do what I want - I'm the MAN!"
Society sure doesn't help matters much, either. Images on TV and other media outlets would tend to encourage us to look out for #1, network to further yourself, and don't put up with any crap - from anyone.
However, in order to truly love someone, it's important that love gets switched from an emotion to an intention. A daily intention. It doesn't happen naturally. If you tend to be one that looks at a marriage that seems healthy and think, "Man I wish our marriage were that healthy and easy", I would bet you that you don't know the half of the story. The healthiness of that marriage is more than likely the result of hard, intentional work, not some magic pixie dust that couple happened to get at the altar that you didn't. It's a constant process of love - not as an emotion, but as an intention.
Those intentions of love can take many different forms. I am rather fond of a somewhat detailed list of what the intentional actions of love are. Let me share them with you here:
LOVE
- never gives up
- cares more for others than for self
- doesn't want what it doesn't have
- doesn't strut, doesn't have a swelled head
- doesn't force itself on others
- isn't always "me first"
- doesn't fly off the handle
- doesn't keep score of the wrongs of others
- doesn't revel when others grovel
- takes pleasure in the flowering of truth
- puts up with anything
- trusts always
- always looks for the best
- never looks back, but keeps going to the end
So, match up your current, natural reactions to the intentions listed here. This is a freakin tough list, but I continue to believe it's required for those relationships that truly last.
Oh, and before you think about trying to find out whether or not your spouse or S.O. is failing in these areas, that's the first sign of not intentioning love. Instead, look at yourself and find out where you're failing, and intention to make a change. Is it easy? No. Is it always fun? No. Is it giving up your right to be right? Yes.
Is it worth it?
Oh yeah.
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